I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
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to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.