*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
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I think we should hear other voices.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.