She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
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My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]