If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
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In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it