If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
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me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
what?
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out