remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
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them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking