*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
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Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space