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I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.