*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
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I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
And bowling should be called pinball