*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
You Might Also Like
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.