The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
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i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
no one likes gloating
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???