When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
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me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
SPLOOT
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Home is where your toilet is.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”