[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
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I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.