May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
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I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.