According to math, I’m broke
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Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
You got this…
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.