The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! ππ
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[forest]
ME: omg thereβs a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Iβm beginning to think βhindsight is 2020β was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, donβt ask which one were they.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didnβt. A rancher had filed a report about missing
*ernest hemingway voice*
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Netflix should have a catergory called βeasy to follow while looking at my phone the whole timeβ
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Iβll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, Iβm done.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out π
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive