Those are good neighbors.
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[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Every photo I’m tagged in
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”