Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
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You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Twitter fine art
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”