Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
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Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.