just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
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[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.