Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
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*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
BRAKING NEWS!!
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
それは草
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I beg your pardon?