*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
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the three branches of government
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
[shakes fist at other fist]
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”