“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
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My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea