Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
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My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again