MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
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I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
“What movie?” 🤔
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.