Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
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Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I love wikipedia
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
This is why I hate group projects
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.