I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
You Might Also Like
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.