Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
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“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it