A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
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It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
October already? What’s next? November????
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Twitter is the new flypaper.