I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
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Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]