Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
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(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go