Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
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I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
(Musicians.)
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop