Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
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Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.