Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
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movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
i think we should see other cousins
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy