Beep beep
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Beep
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
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Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.