Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
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Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
#parenting
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them