Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
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Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
There is wisdom there.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.