TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
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I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces