Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
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What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE