Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
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Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”