Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
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Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*