Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
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March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home