Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
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nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
San Francisco has too many rules
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill