If you love someone, let them tweet.
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The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.