Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
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He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
…..pretty much.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…