While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
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[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves