[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
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I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
*looks at you in batman voice*
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me