me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
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I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I feel it
GIRLFRIEND: If you鈥檙e asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I don鈥檛 know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I鈥檒l have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That鈥檚 not even on the periodic table
*Inspirational Tweets*
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 馃幍Sweet Caroline馃幍
From a distance: 馃幍Bah bah bah馃幍
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can鈥檛 spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can鈥檛 wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I鈥檓 not sure
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.