the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
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hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.