You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
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New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
When I snag the last meatball.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister